5 Communication Practices for Couples

If there’s one topic that comes up in almost every couples session I lead, it’s communication. We’ve all heard that “communication is the key” to a healthy relationship, but when you’re in the thick of a disagreement—or worse, the cold silence that follows—it’s easy to feel like no one ever handed you the right key.

So, what is the secret? Spoiler alert: It’s not about never arguing, reading your partner’s mind, or agreeing on everything. The real secret lies in how you talk to each other, how you listen, and how you repair after conflict.

1. Communication Is More Than Words – When we think of communication, we often picture talking. But research (including work by Drs. John and Julie Gottman) shows that tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language can speak just as loudly—sometimes louder—than the actual words you choose. A soft tone, open posture, and eye contact send a message of respect and safety, even when you disagree.

Ask yourself: “If I couldn’t use words, would my partner still feel heard and valued in this moment?”

2. Listening Without Defending – Here’s a tough truth: Most of us “listen” while mentally preparing our response. This turns communication into a tennis match where each person is just waiting to serve their point.

Real listening means slowing down, being curious about your partner’s perspective, and resisting the urge to defend right away. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but showing you understand their feelings is one of the most powerful ways to build trust.

Try this: After your partner speaks, summarize what you heard and ask, “Did I get that right?” It sounds simple, but it’s a game changer.

3. Speak With “I” Statements, Not Accusations – It’s tempting to start with, “You never…” or “You always…” when frustration is high. Unfortunately, that almost guarantees your partner’s defenses will go up. Instead, shift to “I feel…” statements:

“I feel worried when you come home late without calling.”

“I feel disconnected when we go days without checking in.”

This keeps the focus on your experience rather than attacking your partner’s character.

4. Repair Is More Important Than Perfection – Even the healthiest couples have misunderstandings and disagreements. What sets them apart is how quickly and gently they repair the rift. A sincere apology, a kind gesture, or even humor (at the right time) can turn a tense moment into an opportunity for deeper connection.

5. Make Connection a Daily Habit – Communication thrives when it’s not just reserved for solving problems. Share little details about your day, send a thoughtful text, or carve out 10 minutes in the evening to check in without distractions. These small, consistent moments create a strong foundation so that when challenges come, you’re not starting from scratch.

There’s no single “magic phrase” that unlocks perfect communication. The secret is a combination of respect, curiosity, emotional safety, and the willingness to repair. When couples commit to these practices, they often find that their conversations—both the easy ones and the hard ones—start to bring them closer rather than push them apart.

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, you’re not alone. As a Licensed Mental Health Therapist with a specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy, I help couples uncover the patterns that keep them stuck and build new ways of connecting that truly last.

By Dr. Lisa Reiss, Ph.D., LMHC