The 3 Sides of the Relationship Triangle

One of the frameworks I often use with couples is what I call The Relationship Triangle. Understanding this simple concept can shed light on why certain dynamics keep repeating, why conflict sometimes feels unavoidable, and how couples can move toward healthier connection.

The triangle has three distinct “sides” or roles that people can slip into, often without even realizing it:

1. The Pursuer
2. The Distancer
3. The Avoider/Rescuer

When these roles start playing out, they can create cycles that keep partners stuck. Let’s break them down.

1. The Pursuer – The Pursuer is driven by the need for closeness, resolution, and reassurance. They often feel a sense of urgency when something feels “off” in the relationship. This person might say:

• “We need to talk about this now.”
• “Why aren’t you opening up to me?”

Pursuers usually have good intentions—they want connection and understanding—but their intensity can feel overwhelming to their partner. The more they push, the more the other person may pull away, creating the very distance they fear.

2. The Distancer – The Distancer values space, calm, and independence, especially during conflict. When emotions run high, they might withdraw to think things through or to avoid escalation. Their internal script often sounds like:

• “I need time to cool down.”
• “This is getting too intense.”

Distancers aren’t necessarily avoiding the relationship—they may genuinely need quiet to process. But to the Pursuer, this can feel like rejection or abandonment. The more they step back, the more the Pursuer pushes forward.

3. The Avoider/Rescuer – This role tries to smooth things over, minimize conflict, or take responsibility for “fixing” both sides. They may downplay their own needs in order to keep the peace. This person might say:

• “It’s not a big deal.”
• “Let’s just move on.”

While this approach can temporarily defuse tension, it can also lead to resentment or burnout if their own feelings are consistently sidelined.

The Triangle in Action

In many relationships, these roles aren’t fixed—you might be a Pursuer in one conflict and a Distancer in another. However, when couples get stuck in a repeated cycle (e.g., Pursuer chases → Distancer retreats → Avoider steps in), communication breaks down and both partners feel unheard.

The key is recognizing when you’re on the triangle and stepping off before it escalates. This means:

• Pursuers: Practice slowing down and giving space.
• Distancers: Share that you need time, and commit to coming back to the conversation.
• Avoiders/Rescuers: Express your own needs instead of just smoothing things over.

How to Step Off the Triangle

1. Name the Pattern – Once you can say, “I think we’re in our triangle,” you create awareness and choice.
2. Pause Before Reacting – Take a breath instead of jumping into your default role.
3. Shift to Collaboration – Replace blame with curiosity: “Help me understand what’s going on for you right now.”

The Relationship Triangle isn’t about labeling yourself or your partner as “the problem.” It’s about understanding the dance you’re doing together—and learning some new steps. When you can recognize these roles in real time, you give your relationship the gift of choice, compassion, and change.

If you and your partner find yourselves circling the same arguments, I can help you identify your patterns and build new ways of communicating that bring you closer instead of pulling you apart.

By Dr. Lisa Reiss, Ph.D., LMHC